Girl, iterated.
“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.” -Jane Austen, “Pride and Prejudice”
It’s easy to get lost in a world with so much going on, and even easier to get stuck. For me, I can say that’s been a regular pattern in my life. Taking a few steps before finding out it isn’t what I want, and then turning around and doing it all over again.
I don’t think there’s ever been a time where I was truly ever sure of something. I rather enjoyed flitting about life, dipping my toes into various things, collecting experiences. To think that programming would be the thing that grounds me is not something I had imagined for myself. And while every day is a new set of frustrations, I feel more and more sure that this is what I want to do.
From an early age, our education system has you hone in on what you need to do for the rest of your life. When you’re in the earlier years, things like being president or an astronaut are considered cute things kids say. Then you’re in high school and they start hammering in that you need to make a decision. “The time is nigh! What you do now will affect you for the rest of your life!” But no one tells you that what you pick now will most certainly not be what you end up doing in 10, 15, 20 years. Some kids take it in stride, they’ve had a life plan settled on for years. Others, less certain, go the easy route and pick something with the most flexibility. Then there were kids like me, who took the decision way too seriously and froze up. What exactly can I commit to for X amount of years and also be able to pour in X amount of money?
I kept coming up short. While my desire to learn and be proficient in something nagged at me constantly, I couldn’t just close my eyes and pick. I had an issue with wanting to do too much — and that stunted me.
I realized early on that the “American Dream” was not meant for me. Something my family had chased for decades, seeing what it gave them, just didn’t sit right in my mind. There had to be something more than just living to work. Time went on, and I continued to collect experiences. From road-tripping around the U.S twice, to road tripping around New Zealand. I worked as a telemarketer, a fishmonger, a barista, a casino waitress; there was just so much to do and see. But — I was stuck. Higher education was too expensive, and I didn’t want to be in debt for the better part of my adulthood for something I just wasn’t sure I wanted to do. I wasn’t going to be a bartender for the rest of my life either, but I needed to do something that didn’t rely on a piece of paper to prove I knew what I was doing.
That’s where Flatiron came in. Finally! A way out from being an NPC in other people’s lives! And while doubts and insecurities crept in, I needed a change and that was it. How hard could it be? (ha,ha.)
Now I’m sitting here, typing this out and questioning exactly how, and why I got here. There are the generic answers like “more money, stable job, etc” that I could put in. And they would be right, to a degree. Who doesn’t crave stability and money in these uncertain times? But I think what truly drew me in was the ability for growth. There was no cap to what you could learn in programming, or even looking at a bigger scope, tech. A world that was constantly evolving and changing sounded like something that was right up my alley.
So, while the winter months creep in, I have the perfect excuse to stay cuddled up with my computer, getting myself one step closer to a life I actually want to live.
